forgeting someone.

wishing. dreaming. travelling. to a world with simplicity and true love. I am broken, all I can do is just talk, think and dream-awake about him. It's just making me go crazy and I'm not liking it. I get nervous and anxcioust by nothing, really. I get despeareted & sometimes truely happy when there are no reasons. I think I'm just falling apart. How is it? How can someone forget their own true love? Even when things get messed up, we simply can't forget when we truely adore that person. He did sooo much. He called me so many things, still I am here writting about him when I could easily be studying or listening to pop music, but no. I listen all those types of love songs who make me miss him, How can I miss someone who did soo much terrible things to me? I guess I will never know. But I miss him. Tonight I lay to sleep, and think and dream, and sleep. Then I know I'll wake up, from a nightmare and fall asleep again. when I see him tommorow probably much doubt that I will feel the forgeting sensation, that thing of when we think we're lost and that the person in question doesn't mean anything to us. That is not true! He is the meanest person ever, but he means the world to me & my heart tells me "Do not give up" I am a fighter, I know. Ive always been, but how can I keep believing for a cause with no happy ending in sight? well If I don't try I won't know but in the other hand, I might aswell get too hurt and too tired and tearyeyed, filled with sorrow and pain and most of all regrets. I am regreting the past, and I hate when it happens. Makes my whole body shake and I just cannot believe this is real, its happening. This is making me scaried, I say I cant forget him but thats in big part due to the fact that I think I don't want to forget him. I want him to tell me sorry and I want to say "It's okay" I want to repeat it all again, and rewing the clock to the 2nd February, 2010. I want so much things! But most of all, I don't want to loose him (but Ive already lost him). I think I am steping forward to the big fall.

Please, be carefull Inês.
think smart, really.
Goodnight everyone.

I x

a little less ordinary

maybe my life is now, a little bit less ordinary. In the stillness of the day, I sit and think about this, about all this tragedies and about all the strong people who go trough it. I know it is, still, a massive tragedy that strocked me, but I have to carry on, I have to believe someday everything will be ok, once.again. I love to hear Carolina, sometimes when bad things seem to happen every time of the day, we just don't notice the beuty inside people, though, I always noticed it in her. Not long ago, she gave me the best grin I ever get to see, and I thanked God she was there, laughing at me. With no aparental reason, she smiled, and kept smiling, and smiling. This can be, sometimes, and for some people, ordinary and just "boring". THere is not, yet, a day where I can take for granted her smiles, her giggles and her laughs. Each time, is a blessing, really. Though every voice, every laugh, every giggle, and every smile, is just a remind really, of what isn't here anymore, and I just wish sometimes, I could call her and tell her how ordinary my day has been. I look at me and look back; I never ever imagined me like this, it was never part of my plans to have to grow up without her. Her smile, her voice, is just far, far, far away. My image of the two of us is together, with crossed arms and pure smiles from ear to ear, but what I get is the ordinary tears, the ordinary faked smiles, the ordinary griefe. Everything that, 4 years ago for me would be completely terrible and just unreal, is now the, "ordinary".

I miss you, so.

I x

Nobody can ever understand;

conducting a life that has no sense, at least, I'd say so. Looking out for a bright tommorow, everyday; and in the stillness of my life, I remenber. I do remenber much things, yet. the "yet" should bring me confort but it does the complete opposite. It just brings me fearness and sorrow. It shows me that, in a few years, I might be pronouncing the "anymore". It breacks my heart, in fact. After she left, I told myself I was never going to forget her. As a friend, I have to remenber, to love, to miss. and I do it. But my mind builds fears for the unknown future. I know I have to carry this sorrow with me for the rest of my days here, but it's just like the pain grows and grows more and more; and the memories are farther and farther in the Horizon. I try to be simple, I even try to smile. But sometimes it's just impossible. and People wonder, people ask. "what's wrong?" they say it plenty of times, really. I can not tell. For that I know they would never understand this world of mine, sometimes so obscure. Though, I still try to find the light in those bittersweet pictures of her, or memories she left behind.

it's not enough, still.

I x

the cold.

Carnival seems to arrive; and I just seem to hate it a bit more each year. It's not because of the hapiness because I do like to see the children all dressed up in sweet costumes and laughing, giggling, smiling. That's what makes the carnival good. It's just that, Carnival brings memories; and with it, crying eyes. But there is soo much parties and celebrations for carnival and I've to go to them all, which I don't really like because I'm so bussy; and when I was a little Girl, I was always excited to go to school that day, princess dresses, bee's customes, supermans, noddies, police mans and thiefs. I just loved it there; The last (amazing) carnival was back in 2005. I wore a ballerina suit and dad bought me 65$ ballet shoes, only for that day. He wanted me to look wondurful, to look magical and enchanted. I sure did. Now I don't feel up to dress customes anymore, I am 14 and I am a bit old to wear princess dresses or cowgirl suits. So in the middle of this cold, with freezing hands and feet, I try to smile. "Just because.."

I x

a river of tears..

..for Haleigh. It seems like no time has crossed us by since february last year. I, myself have been with my eyes closed for 1 year, though I still felt the pain, I still cried and I still longed. in my still life, I tried to remenber. I tried to dream and to make dream. I don't know if I did it. I just don't understand this misteries we have in the Tv; I still close my eyes and think about that child. I don't care about anything else. Her smile, her heart who makes mine melt and the look in her eyes. that sweet, caring, lovely princess was once someone's child. why did someone take her away like this? Haleigh is somewhere.out.there . today I try to remenber, the sound of your laugh, and the sweetness of your photographies. Baby, you are never forgotten. come.home.soon

ballet shoes.

and a super princess. pink. strawberrie milk. making dinner for four. playing in the pudles with her 4 kids. seeing her giving food to Ivy. taking pictures of her. that's just a fraction of things of what the rosemeyer family misses right now. Ava was a very wondurful little Girl, Ava means breath of life and she was, to so many! She was like most 3 year-olds. Loved dolls, pink, ballet and princesses. She was never tired of wearing a heavy tutu, just to show off her wondurful sense of dance. She had a perfect smile, which shew pureness, innocence and simplicity. She loved to run around, dance, smile, giggle and laugh. But for the rosemeyer family, this month brings tears, hapiness, the longing, the sorrow the grieve. It's just because, Ava is Gone. Its true, the super pink princess who didn't dance, who "flew" is flying over the rainbow now. It was early February (the 3rd) when Ava snucked away to get some candies to family car which was unusually parked in the middle of the sun. Eventually, she feel asleep and within the time of 30 minutes, her brain had enough demages. When they found her, it was already too late, and even though she went to the hospital, she pasted away in her aunt's arms, in the 5th february, 2007. Ava, that breath of life, is miles away. Heaven. is. her. home.

It's not fair, really NOT fair. That an angel is part of that amazing blue field, way too soon. She will never be forgotten. And, that pink, will fill my heart, that strawberrie milk will be good to her tea parties in the summer, that dinner for four is always remenbered, the beutiful moments in the puddles, are always captured. that time when Ava would give Ivy food is always present and those pictures of her are always treasured. It is not enough, yet. But when the "is not enough" is all we have, we just got to hold on to it, to the fractions things we still have.

tonight,
fly high Ava,

I x

today, though, I just miss the giggle.

In the 4 past years, I've learnt a lot, myself. Maybe even more than what I've learnt along many life lessons, untill the age of 11. I learnt how to ride a bycicle, I learnt how to say "Mummy" and "daddy" and I even learnt how to writte my whole name in the first years of my life. Followed by pink, sunny and hot days. a child who loved ice creams in late afternoons, and building castles in the sand. a little Girl who always saw the sky as a big blue field, which was never, a place where someone could be. I miss those times, I miss being a little child. I miss being on mummy's lap, and I miss sleeping with daddy. It's not always fun to grow up and have all this responsabilities. If, 4 years ago, you'd ask me if I think I'd be happy again, I would very much doubt. Now I know it's not true. After loosing my bestfriend, I had many options to follow, one was, of course, the easiest. Just let it go and live my life in the darckness of this missing days. I choiced the hardest and I know I'll not regret. I choiced to love, follow, and be guided by God. It's not because I am a very religious person but because I have put all my faith and hope in him. She is gone for a reason, and only God knows it. It is still sad, to leave January.
January is always that month of loose, of mourning and grivieng, but today I just miss the missing, and with it, I miss January. I miss all those beutiful tributes people send to me, and I miss the January of 2006; while we still had her. the first days of January, were, of course, filled with Love. more than the usual. we loved her more, we cuddled her more, we told her more times how much she means to us, and trying not to accept the way that January would mark our lifes, we lived each moment trying to say Goodbye. Just trying, not doing.

we tried to tell her what was happening, but she was clever enough to understand it. she was just way too sick, and to ill to keep on going, I decided I couldn't be selfish, I just had to let her go. I miss January, I miss her, and today, though, I just miss the giggles bettwen our girly chats..

you're my angel, Marta.

I x

a lif filled with magic {and wonder}.

I don't know what to write. Maybe words? I do not know, I am completely 'far away' at the moment; well for a couple of days, maybe. Ok. I have to admit. Black. Green eyes. Enchanted smile. He just makes me smile, God. It's just as if my heart was "boom-boom-boom" everytime of the day. It's completely crazy to me but he does it all!! Put the blames in him; he just makes me dance at no music; makes me smile when nothings funny and makes me.. smile!

It is yet, very sad to remenber other things but they're just impossible to forget. Yeasterday marked the 1000th day without Madeleine. Madeleine "Maddie" McCann was a 3 year-old child who was once in holidays in May, 2007 with family and friends. On the 3rd of May, 2007, her parents left her and her 2 year-old siblings, Amelie and Sean, alone at the appartment that was just nearby the resort's restaurant; Barely they knew that something horrible was going to happen. When her mother, Kate, went to check the kids; she found Madeleine's bed empty and Madeleine was Gone. she searched all around the house and ran off to tell everyone Madeleine had dissapeared. come 1000 days and we're still at the beggining. we are still searching, still praying but somehow we still have that amazingly strong hope and faith that someday, our 6 year-old Madeleine will come home, pray it will be soon.
still missing.
still waiting for you to help.

be on the lookout for this wondurful little darling <3
I x

4 years ago today..

..today I miss her. I miss the sound of her voice and the countless moments spent next to her; I miss the simple and the ordinary; something I always took for granted is now miles away in a place where angels sing; it isnt the fact that I want to hear their melodies too.. it isnt the fact that she is not here, everyday with me; it is the fact that I don't know where Heaven is; and I don't know how many miles I have to travel to find it.. I think today I realized Heaven is very nearby us; it is actualy, inside us. when there is no real prove to that paradise in the sky; I preffer believing my heart is Heaven; I prefer believing that her shinning sould lives on inside me; and so she's always inside me; to wherever I may go. it is YET unmaginable to bear this pain and to carry it along my life; It feels like it was yeasterday that day..I last saw her face! It seems too hard for me to keep on going; but I miss this life she had and most of all I wonder who she would have been today and what could have been of a very wondurful life that faded away, way too soon. 4 years. Oh, 4 years! Can it be? I just don't believe so much time could pass me by since I heard she was gone. I have to create a life that Ive never dreamt of creating or even though about it! I really have to carry on I guess..

tonight I miss her; and I miss the bittersweet sound of her life and laugh; maybe it is still here.. maybe I just can't see her.

I miss you my love, and that will be forever,
18.01.2006 - a day I wish I could forget.

18.01.2010, 4 years without you;

Goodnight Marta, sleep tight wherever you may be!
I x

Happy Birthday Taylor!

so here I am once again; trying to write down on my blog at least, 3 times a week, but I've been bussy and that's why I don't have much messages.
Today isn't a day to griefe anymore, today is a day to laugh, giggle and enjoy. Taylor Warren is now 7 years old. We saw her growing up troughout the blog of her mummy and the website and saw the daily faces of cancer, troughout Taylor. Taylor is one of the most brave persons around this world and I am so happy she's making trough Leukemia and keeping the smile on her face. Today, take a minute to pray for Taylor!
Enjoy your birthday with your family and friends, you are my hero.
And before I go, I leave you with a video for Taylor and snack of pictures of her. Enjoy!

life. itself.

Maybe I've become a little too naughty, a little too perfectionist, a little too sad, a little too stronger. I don't really know. Come at night, I pray for everything, my bedtime is filled with prayers and crossed hands, but what do I gain doing it? I can't see the reason why I still pray here in the silence but I really hope it is worth.





some People have their wondurful family, their wondurful friends, their wondurful life. I can't say my life is horrible but not perfect neither. This is just about beggining again, a new life and a new future, a future I never expeted to be planning down, so sad.





come monday, and it will be 3 years. I can't believe that it was actualy 3 years ago that I last saw her smiling face and her brighten eyes, right there, next to me, I can't believe that so much time has passed me by and I'm still wondering the reason why. I look to a picture of us too, and I wonder what would have been if you hand't left. This is all too much for me, too much tears, too much sadness and a life filled with missing.

today I come to say, thank you for your love and prayers.


I love you M.





I x

Missing you.

I miss you. I keep thinking in what should have been. If you were here, if you could stay, what would life be? I dont know but somedays I just rather dont think about it, so the pain will be a lot bigger. I cannot understand why the world is still on Going. You were pure innocence, so so so pure. Pureness, thats what your life was made of. You could only stay for 11 short years. I cannot image your fear when you were told you were extremelly hill, when your mother hold you screaming, telling herself it had to be a lie.. Telling the world, pretending it was not happening, that her child was Ok, and that was not dying. when your hair started falling, what did you think? I think you looked beutifull, with your big green eyes. what did you feel when nurses hold you, to inject in you so many liquids, that you didnt even know what were they for.. what did you think, princess? You will always be here, and I know you are waitting patiently for me.. I promisse Im on my way. I guess in the end, everything turned too clear, you had to let go, to go home. and we accepted it, although it hurted, it was the best way to give you wings, knowing you were the strongest little Girl.

Marta Bessa 1995-2006

I x

Happy 9th Birthday to My doggy.

3 years since I held you in my arms. 3 loving years since I looked trough your eyes of Dog and realized you were in Pain and needed someone to look after you and take care of you, but especially, Love you because you were only a little dog. 3 years since I touched your soft skin, and smelled you. 3 years since that beutifull day I got it. 3 years since you seemed to love - only - me. 3 years since I felt in love with you. My Kooky, My world. yep, you're 9 Now, or at least, more or less. I found you abandoned on the street, 9/9/2006, exactly 3 years ago, tonight, I was looking at you, trough the window, upstairs thinking "Oh My God, thanks God I have you". 3 years ago, I was holding you, cuddling you next to me in the street. 3 years ago, I saw you for the first time, in the back of my building, I knew you had to be mine, and only mine. 3 years ago, I told my mum I'd go playing to the backyard, but I was lying, I wanted to see you closely, when nobody was touching you, when nobody was touching my sunshine. and then I saw you, I know you knew I really cared, I was there to rescue you. I was 10 back in that time. I just loved you so much. 3 years ago I cried tears and tears, untill it got a tear, for my mum to let me stay with you. she recuntly said "yes.." But I think she regret, be sure I dont. 3 years ago, I made my promisse "Ill always take care of you" Im sorry if this has not been what you expeted, I know Im inresponsible and sometimes I leave you alone for hours, But I love you so much.

You should be 9, or apx 9. I decided this was your birthday day when I found you, "why not celebrate all in the same day?" . I love you My Kooky, now and forever.

HAPPY 9TH BIRTHDAY (9/9/09)

03/09/09

woah. Raquel.. I love you Girl, Happy Birthday.. Im so Happy I met you. Ive known you since you were 3 months old, back in december 1995, I was still 1 month, we were both cute and Little and yet, so innocent.. we've Grown together since then, and you never left me for one single second, Looked like it was defenetely meant to be. "Its a charmed life innoncence's wild :)" .

If you only knew How much I love you, Saturday, we're we Go :') To your wonderfull party and Ill get so many photographies Girl, I love you so.

14 years of wonder and magic. 14 charmed years of our lifes. 14, 14 summers, 14 christmas.. all Together, I love you Girl ;D Never leave me, Never ever Never leave me..

Bárbara.

yes, My buddie booh Girl. She's so funny.

Bárbara always was, Ive known her for years Now and I love to capture her face on my photographies. Not only because she's so shy in front of a camera, but because she always looks great and diferent from anybody else. she can pose so shyly, and still, look like she's not shy at all. She's got a very different and uncommun face, I mean, not that angelical smile and rose cheeckies, But she's Got a beutifull and far away look, and I so love her.

Me:"Let me take a picture of you.."

Her: "why should I let you?"

Me: "Because you look Gorgeous in all of them"

Her: "No I dont,"

Me: "Thats what you say 'cause you're in the other side of the camera"

Her: "Ok, Mr. Photographer"

Her: "Dont take me more"

Me: "I love you Buddie"

Her: "I love you too silly But I dont want to smile"

Me: "Just look natural and simple"

Her: "But Im not simple"

:)