forgeting someone.

wishing. dreaming. travelling. to a world with simplicity and true love. I am broken, all I can do is just talk, think and dream-awake about him. It's just making me go crazy and I'm not liking it. I get nervous and anxcioust by nothing, really. I get despeareted & sometimes truely happy when there are no reasons. I think I'm just falling apart. How is it? How can someone forget their own true love? Even when things get messed up, we simply can't forget when we truely adore that person. He did sooo much. He called me so many things, still I am here writting about him when I could easily be studying or listening to pop music, but no. I listen all those types of love songs who make me miss him, How can I miss someone who did soo much terrible things to me? I guess I will never know. But I miss him. Tonight I lay to sleep, and think and dream, and sleep. Then I know I'll wake up, from a nightmare and fall asleep again. when I see him tommorow probably much doubt that I will feel the forgeting sensation, that thing of when we think we're lost and that the person in question doesn't mean anything to us. That is not true! He is the meanest person ever, but he means the world to me & my heart tells me "Do not give up" I am a fighter, I know. Ive always been, but how can I keep believing for a cause with no happy ending in sight? well If I don't try I won't know but in the other hand, I might aswell get too hurt and too tired and tearyeyed, filled with sorrow and pain and most of all regrets. I am regreting the past, and I hate when it happens. Makes my whole body shake and I just cannot believe this is real, its happening. This is making me scaried, I say I cant forget him but thats in big part due to the fact that I think I don't want to forget him. I want him to tell me sorry and I want to say "It's okay" I want to repeat it all again, and rewing the clock to the 2nd February, 2010. I want so much things! But most of all, I don't want to loose him (but Ive already lost him). I think I am steping forward to the big fall.

Please, be carefull Inês.
think smart, really.
Goodnight everyone.

I x

a little less ordinary

maybe my life is now, a little bit less ordinary. In the stillness of the day, I sit and think about this, about all this tragedies and about all the strong people who go trough it. I know it is, still, a massive tragedy that strocked me, but I have to carry on, I have to believe someday everything will be ok, once.again. I love to hear Carolina, sometimes when bad things seem to happen every time of the day, we just don't notice the beuty inside people, though, I always noticed it in her. Not long ago, she gave me the best grin I ever get to see, and I thanked God she was there, laughing at me. With no aparental reason, she smiled, and kept smiling, and smiling. This can be, sometimes, and for some people, ordinary and just "boring". THere is not, yet, a day where I can take for granted her smiles, her giggles and her laughs. Each time, is a blessing, really. Though every voice, every laugh, every giggle, and every smile, is just a remind really, of what isn't here anymore, and I just wish sometimes, I could call her and tell her how ordinary my day has been. I look at me and look back; I never ever imagined me like this, it was never part of my plans to have to grow up without her. Her smile, her voice, is just far, far, far away. My image of the two of us is together, with crossed arms and pure smiles from ear to ear, but what I get is the ordinary tears, the ordinary faked smiles, the ordinary griefe. Everything that, 4 years ago for me would be completely terrible and just unreal, is now the, "ordinary".

I miss you, so.

I x

Nobody can ever understand;

conducting a life that has no sense, at least, I'd say so. Looking out for a bright tommorow, everyday; and in the stillness of my life, I remenber. I do remenber much things, yet. the "yet" should bring me confort but it does the complete opposite. It just brings me fearness and sorrow. It shows me that, in a few years, I might be pronouncing the "anymore". It breacks my heart, in fact. After she left, I told myself I was never going to forget her. As a friend, I have to remenber, to love, to miss. and I do it. But my mind builds fears for the unknown future. I know I have to carry this sorrow with me for the rest of my days here, but it's just like the pain grows and grows more and more; and the memories are farther and farther in the Horizon. I try to be simple, I even try to smile. But sometimes it's just impossible. and People wonder, people ask. "what's wrong?" they say it plenty of times, really. I can not tell. For that I know they would never understand this world of mine, sometimes so obscure. Though, I still try to find the light in those bittersweet pictures of her, or memories she left behind.

it's not enough, still.

I x

the cold.

Carnival seems to arrive; and I just seem to hate it a bit more each year. It's not because of the hapiness because I do like to see the children all dressed up in sweet costumes and laughing, giggling, smiling. That's what makes the carnival good. It's just that, Carnival brings memories; and with it, crying eyes. But there is soo much parties and celebrations for carnival and I've to go to them all, which I don't really like because I'm so bussy; and when I was a little Girl, I was always excited to go to school that day, princess dresses, bee's customes, supermans, noddies, police mans and thiefs. I just loved it there; The last (amazing) carnival was back in 2005. I wore a ballerina suit and dad bought me 65$ ballet shoes, only for that day. He wanted me to look wondurful, to look magical and enchanted. I sure did. Now I don't feel up to dress customes anymore, I am 14 and I am a bit old to wear princess dresses or cowgirl suits. So in the middle of this cold, with freezing hands and feet, I try to smile. "Just because.."

I x

a river of tears..

..for Haleigh. It seems like no time has crossed us by since february last year. I, myself have been with my eyes closed for 1 year, though I still felt the pain, I still cried and I still longed. in my still life, I tried to remenber. I tried to dream and to make dream. I don't know if I did it. I just don't understand this misteries we have in the Tv; I still close my eyes and think about that child. I don't care about anything else. Her smile, her heart who makes mine melt and the look in her eyes. that sweet, caring, lovely princess was once someone's child. why did someone take her away like this? Haleigh is somewhere.out.there . today I try to remenber, the sound of your laugh, and the sweetness of your photographies. Baby, you are never forgotten. come.home.soon

ballet shoes.

and a super princess. pink. strawberrie milk. making dinner for four. playing in the pudles with her 4 kids. seeing her giving food to Ivy. taking pictures of her. that's just a fraction of things of what the rosemeyer family misses right now. Ava was a very wondurful little Girl, Ava means breath of life and she was, to so many! She was like most 3 year-olds. Loved dolls, pink, ballet and princesses. She was never tired of wearing a heavy tutu, just to show off her wondurful sense of dance. She had a perfect smile, which shew pureness, innocence and simplicity. She loved to run around, dance, smile, giggle and laugh. But for the rosemeyer family, this month brings tears, hapiness, the longing, the sorrow the grieve. It's just because, Ava is Gone. Its true, the super pink princess who didn't dance, who "flew" is flying over the rainbow now. It was early February (the 3rd) when Ava snucked away to get some candies to family car which was unusually parked in the middle of the sun. Eventually, she feel asleep and within the time of 30 minutes, her brain had enough demages. When they found her, it was already too late, and even though she went to the hospital, she pasted away in her aunt's arms, in the 5th february, 2007. Ava, that breath of life, is miles away. Heaven. is. her. home.

It's not fair, really NOT fair. That an angel is part of that amazing blue field, way too soon. She will never be forgotten. And, that pink, will fill my heart, that strawberrie milk will be good to her tea parties in the summer, that dinner for four is always remenbered, the beutiful moments in the puddles, are always captured. that time when Ava would give Ivy food is always present and those pictures of her are always treasured. It is not enough, yet. But when the "is not enough" is all we have, we just got to hold on to it, to the fractions things we still have.

tonight,
fly high Ava,

I x

today, though, I just miss the giggle.

In the 4 past years, I've learnt a lot, myself. Maybe even more than what I've learnt along many life lessons, untill the age of 11. I learnt how to ride a bycicle, I learnt how to say "Mummy" and "daddy" and I even learnt how to writte my whole name in the first years of my life. Followed by pink, sunny and hot days. a child who loved ice creams in late afternoons, and building castles in the sand. a little Girl who always saw the sky as a big blue field, which was never, a place where someone could be. I miss those times, I miss being a little child. I miss being on mummy's lap, and I miss sleeping with daddy. It's not always fun to grow up and have all this responsabilities. If, 4 years ago, you'd ask me if I think I'd be happy again, I would very much doubt. Now I know it's not true. After loosing my bestfriend, I had many options to follow, one was, of course, the easiest. Just let it go and live my life in the darckness of this missing days. I choiced the hardest and I know I'll not regret. I choiced to love, follow, and be guided by God. It's not because I am a very religious person but because I have put all my faith and hope in him. She is gone for a reason, and only God knows it. It is still sad, to leave January.
January is always that month of loose, of mourning and grivieng, but today I just miss the missing, and with it, I miss January. I miss all those beutiful tributes people send to me, and I miss the January of 2006; while we still had her. the first days of January, were, of course, filled with Love. more than the usual. we loved her more, we cuddled her more, we told her more times how much she means to us, and trying not to accept the way that January would mark our lifes, we lived each moment trying to say Goodbye. Just trying, not doing.

we tried to tell her what was happening, but she was clever enough to understand it. she was just way too sick, and to ill to keep on going, I decided I couldn't be selfish, I just had to let her go. I miss January, I miss her, and today, though, I just miss the giggles bettwen our girly chats..

you're my angel, Marta.

I x