{all at once}

Arrived yeasterday to Algarve. sunny. warm and most of all, calm. I always love to spend holidays here. Easter is for relaxing, summer is for fun. It's cold now. The wind is blowing stronger and stronger and the empty swings are starting to make those noises they always do. There are always plenty brittish girls here. all blonde and green eyed. Empty swings. Dark nights. little Brittish girls. they're just a remind really of what isn't here anymore. I always have a hard time on my very first night here. I make sure the windows are completely closed and the door is too. I make sure there's no way out or in. It scares me, thought, when mum comes to say Goodnight and shuts off the lights. And then I hear those scary and frightning noises. and then I stop and stare everywhere. and then I hide my face in my pillow and try to forget. just try. But then I keep on looking around, scared that someone might come and take me too. Scared that the man who took her can still be outthere, out my door. I look like a Baby once I'm ready to sleep. I try hard to hide myself bellow the blankets. Mum says it's ok. Her mommy once said it was ok too. To not to be scared. to close her eyes and that they'd come to her soon. She wasn't scared. she closed her eyes. But when she openned them, mommy or daddy or sister or brother or any other person she knew wasn't there. It's scarying and terrifying that such Baby had to be taken away, so soon, so tragically. No matter how much posters I put up in the strees, no matter how much tears I let hit the floor or how much times I think about her, she is still not here. And I try to remenber every single thing. Every slidge of her voice, every tone and every sound she made. And every footstep and every time she danced, sang or simply trew herself to the floor. and everytime she'd buy new pink shoes and everytime she'd laugh, smile or cuddle with her family in the sofa. And everytime she'd catch the tennis court's balls and safely put them together in the box. And everyday she went to the beach, and every ice cream she bought and every seabath she took. And I remenber and I cry. and I cry for everything. For knowing that she's not here anymore. And for the school year without her. And for the draws pending in the fridge signed by her. And for the artcrafts that lie safely in her desktop. And for the empty bed she left behind and for her bedroom dolls that haven't been touched since then. And for all the clothes that are still handing in the closet, waiting for her. Just like us. And for every day we had. And for every single word we said. And for every game we played and for every laugh we shared. And for the hugs, the kisses, the embraces. Most of all I cry for her. And I wonder. I wonder where she is. I wonder how she is. How she looks like and everything related to it. Is she taller? Is her hair longer? Does she know how to write her whole name down in a paper? And I wonder for everything. For the times we never had. for the times we lost. For the moments we'll never get back. For the years and for the future. And I wonder and I pray. And I pray for her, for her recovery. For every child outthere who is in the very same situation. And I pray for every mother, every father. Every family who has to lie down in bed without giving a goodnight kiss to their sweet Babies. And every sister who has to remenber her big buddy by pictures, just like my Amelie. And for every brother who has to hear the silence of a no-longer happy home, just like my Sean. And for everything we've been trought and every family who has to be trought the same. And I love. And I love the people who keep on searching, who keep on dreaming of the day she'll come home. Who keep on searching for her, who keep remenbering that Hope will never die. Most of all, I remenber her. I cry for her. I wonder for her. and nevertheless, I pray for herself too. That the angels, the Gods, whatever they may be, take my Baby home. Just like that. simple as it. Give me a smile, once again. Bring her back. that's all I ask. All I want. Bring Madeleine Back.

for more info go to www.findmadeleine.com
I x

tears of an angel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUIFSusvt_s&feature=quicklist





this video gives me chills. Makes me cry, remenber and be-thankful. Haylee has been such great inspiration on my daily life and so does Sharon. Every person who simply took the time to leave me a message, to subscribe me, to leave a comment in one video or even just watch a video of mine, thank you. It means too much to know people truly like what I'm doing and so I can keep on doing it. I find no explanation for the reasons why I want to make videos in memory of all this angels or simply take the time to see them, to hear their voices, to feel them nearby. I don't really know why but I gotta love it. I know they all cried once, too. They're my inspirations and I fight for them. I want their voices to reach everyone. A world where little ones die is not a good world for anyone. We can't keep living and going day-by-day just seeing every new of every case and just let it go. A child who dies always leaves an inprint in the world, and we can't just let their memories go in vain. we have to celebrate their lives, be thankful for the years but most of all, understand what went wrong so we can help other families and other children in ways they could never imagine. By a simple tragic death, we can prevent millions of other deaths. and so, every kid who pasts, is a hero, hisself.


Thank you Sharon for being the best bestfriend I could ever find, thank you Haylee for always beeing there, for making sure I feel your love even when you're just too far away and thank you everyone, really. Thanks God, you truly changed me too!




Finaly, I want to thank Layla herself for being such a fighter and for teaching me life lessons within 2 weeks. She will never be forgotten, really.

I x

{Believing}

I've always seen illnesses from a different perspective. I've always been so much into this type of things that I never though myself could be traped in it. I'm not. yet.


I keep on praying it's going to be fine. Keep on believing there are angels on the ground to help me out with this and I truly know I'm strong. I know it's just a little bit longer and I'll be fine. Beliving is the cure. He is magical. who? My dream-a-boy. He made me forget all this problems. Made me dream about a better day. Made me laugh. made me... remenber. Oh, How I remenbered him throughout time! Oh, if only he know how often I'd think of him.. I truly missed him. It's too much time to pull out till tommorow's afternoon. To see him. to embrace him. to... kiss him! Oh My God, Is it a dream? Is it true? I don't want to wake up, though!

and today, a quick joyfull things; here down on the post. Ain't she the sweetest child in history? Layla Grace Marsh, forever remenbered and loved (and deeply missed)

november 2007 - March 2010

Ines x

me {in wonderland}

I wish I had, a whole in the ground. where I could maybe fall into it. Underground. Fallen down. Upside down, and nothing could stop me. a place where my imagination came to life and my dreams could come true. a Happy mister bunny and a big talking cat. a crazy clown and a monster for me to fight with. Yes, my life is such a wonderland. I have a place to make my imagination turn everything around, dreams though don't come true. I have a happy mister bunny and a cat, not talking (yet). and a big monster inside my neck for me to fight it. I am starting to hear those words like "tumors" and "radition" and "biopsy" such as "hospitals", "it will be ok" and "it's nothing" and the worst, the very terrible word I've heard is "cancer". May God proctect me on my new exams, may desteny says it's just a little infection. praying it's only that. tottaly praying.

I luv you.
Inês.

the dandelion.

once, a vibrant, bright, little child, grabed a dandelion from the ground. It was there, in the middle of the grass; pure, little, fragile. She grabbed it, carefully. It was in her beutiful, safe and motherly hands. Her mother told her to blow it, to ask a wish. The little Girl, looked at it, found the strengh to ask the wish, closed her eyes and wishepered "may God take me home". The same, powerfull, fearless, and strong words, she said once she closed her eyes for the last time. a vibrant, bright, little child. A pure soul, asking to be taken to Heaven. the world must be so bad, that we come to the point, children ask to die. I did not want to believe she asked it. It was enough pain, I know. I love, mourn, and dream about you, my darling.
Once I was coming home, from a family walk, I stopped and stared a bunch of dandelions on the grass, they were all together, blowing with the wind, getting together. I stoped again, catched my breath, and remenbered her. the way she held it tightly, I did it too. The way she secretely told the dandelion what she wanted, as if it was some kind of fairy. I grabbed it up in both hands, I looked to the breathtaking sea, to the horizon, to the bleding blue sky, towards the sun, I wishepered, too, "save a place for me, I'll be there soon" , and suddenly, the wind took my white petals of the dandelion away. I could not blow it by myself. At first, I got angry and mad. there were no more dandelions to catch as I was further in the path. Then, I realized one thing, It was probably her, who heard my prayer, my wish, my dream. I am sure she heard it, she blew it by herself. Just like that, when I lost her, I felt angry, and mad. I did not experience anything more with her, she was just gone. gone long before I could make future plans on my mind. Gone. vanished. dissapeared. But then I knew I had a way, to let her memory shine brightly in the lives of many, wondurful people. I'll try, I promisse I will.

and for you, something I love;
"My love" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOL-Yx_kNYo
"Save a place for me" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8wWP1A6mks

Save a place for me, save some grace for me, I'll be there soon. I promisse you my love. Goodnight. sleep tight in God's arms.

I x

Long ago.

"the risk of love is loss,

and the price of loss is grief - but the pain of grief,

is only a shadown,

when compared with the pain of never risking love."

- Hilary Stanton Zunin -

there was a time, in my life, long long ago, while we still had her.
while we would stay awake untill very late in the night, while we would still colour all those school books together, while we would smile. smile, together.
there has been only a few years since that dream was still living on. a few years who have turnt into centuries in my mind.
There was a time, a time of wonder, beuty and simpliciness. a time I'd sit and get up. In the midst of it, I wouldn't even think. Now I always stop to catch my breath. I truly have to. I stop, stare, dream, and grief, It's always the same, though. the very, horrifying, missing-filled, and lonely thing. I wonder why, WHY us. But all over the world, tragedies stricke. they come with no previous advice. shut down our lives, completely. I miss her, I defenetely do.
After we lost her, I though my life could never be the same, I though time could heal, though. I was very, deeply, wrong. Time doesn't heal anything, really.
There was a time where my life was filled with glitter, and princess dresses, and sparkling shoes, and pink and purple and a dolls house. filled with deep gratitude. I Still couldn't be more gratefull for the time. I'm so thankfull that God actualy let me live with her, even though it was only a short, extremelly short, time. I completely mourn her loose with every single beat of my heart. I owe her my life, my happiness.

Because once, she made me happy. And now I wonder, where is that fairy? probably (humm) flying over me? I wish I could see her. Just for a second. Just Like a.. shooting star.

everyday,

I find just what I'm looking for. I smile, I giggle, I laugh. I don't pause the moments to catch my breath, I run, I yell happily, I chat, I embrace my friends, and I smile again. Those tipically, naturally, ear-to-ear smiles. a Big, simple and wondurful grin. Those type of days make my heart melt, make my life complete. I tottaly love them and (ugh!) how I misst them. Those type of days I sit and think happily of how good my life is doing, when I look at her and I'm sure she's recovering a bit. when I don't stop to think about the gray sky. When I stay, marvelling, dreaming, observing, my own true world.

today though, it's just not one of those days. Missing the leaves that feel from the trees. I love you all.

I x

today..

I feel like writing down. every single thing. I'm not feeling very well actualy. maybe sick, maybe some lower fevers. I don't know. the other day, carolina was crying. something hurt her. something KEPT hurting her. While my aunt changed her diaper, I staied in the floor, holding her tiny hand. her fingers crawled around mine, the light in her face glew up. She was just happy. Just as it, in a sudden, Her face had a smile again. I remenbered the nights she spent at the hospital, with mum's hand holding her tiny one. The times she had to see needles, hospital food and people dressed in white. I so wish she didn't know anything about hospitals and emergency rooms. I truly though she'd never know. not this soon, not like this. When Someone decides we have to follow hope & faith, there's no options. we can't just turn back and ask "why" because we'll get no answer. sure I turned back a million times, sure I shouted many bad words at that someone, and sure my "why" did not go in vain. I'm sure someone, from up high can hear me. He can hear my prayers, my sould trying to find resting still trying to pray as much as I can. A little princess was once born healthy, too. in a far away land. But princesses can't last forever and hapiness is just a passing feeling. so our true, deep, beutiful, joyfull feeling, is gone too. long before we could even think of movie nights and bowlling games. gone, just like the butterflies who come and go so quickly. it vanished.

pray it will come soon please,
and as I don't know the reason why I posted this post,
I make myself believe it was "just because.."

night night bloggers.
I x

not a word.

tired. sleepless. sick. that's what describes me the best this last days, apart from the appasionated, happy and dreamingspirit words. I haven't been at my high moments but not on my low ones so I guess I'm just in the middle of the sun, with monney, with a van, with everything I need to start my summer trip, exept one thing. yes, everything was just ok if that one thing wasn't missing. It changes my plans, makes my trip boring and stresfull. so what do I do? I sit in the lap of my parked van, with my money on the pocket, with my face towards the burning sun and the big and lonely desert, and I wait. Yes, that's what I've been doing for a long time now. waiting. simply and lovingly waiting. for what? for who? I don't even know. It's like there's not a way or a path that I can walk in, it's like there's not a boat or a lifeguard who can hear me while I'm drowning, it's like there's not a bed, not a room where I can sleep when I'm tired. It's like the whole world dissapeared and flew away and I'm just floating in the air, with little less happiness, little less love, little less selfconfidance. But with a bigger innerstrengh that I don't know where I got it from. Memaw says I'm strong. naturally strong. Maybe I do, maybe not. Time will somehow prove me that. If I can live and reach 1000 days or even more with the though that I'm a winner and that I can do this, well then the rest of the path will be easy. or rough.

the other day, I stopped and stared at a boat. a simple, little, white boat. floating in the sea. It was going so slow that I could truly stop and spend the rest of the afternoon seeing the boat crossing what I call (humm) little less than enough. I could see the simpliciness of the sweet, tiny, white boat. Mum called me; I stoped again.

Go home, mum - I said.
why should I? I'm not letting you outside - she said.
It's quick, I do promisse.

she started walking down the road, always looking back for me to start running. I didn't. Instead, I staied. Barely couldn't move. She called me again, told me I had to go home. In a minute, I looked again to the big great sea, perplexed, I looked for the tiny boat. where was it? I don't know. I remenbered Ivy's buterfly then, could it be? things can't dissapear so quickly. at least, not things like boats. I got closer but the boat, it was just like it never existed, like it's little short time in the water went in vain. Then I stoped, and my arms felt down, then suddenly, my body shacked and I had some visions. visions of two little girls playing happily together, the visions of those days who went slowly while they lasted. the vision of a day where I stoped too, to long, to see, to embrace the times lelft behind. a day I stoped and asked myself too "where was she?" a day I could clearly see sometimes, things, people, everything, might just dissapear.. and they do not say goodbye.

I x

a butterfly.

recently, I read Sheye rosemeyer's last blog post. It touched me, deeply. It's usual for me to be touched by Sheye's words. She lost a daughter, I lost a friend. I often see myself troughout her words, so, it.is.not.rare. This time, though, it was different. Layla was a butterfly too, flying over and over again with her beuty-full smile and enchanting way of living. How can it be true that she's gone forever? that in a blink of an eye, Heaven became so bright? How can it be true? I wish I knew. It's hard to believe she's gone, she's not coming back. Today I'm not inspired to write here, I'm in a rush. I am tired, weak and feeling sick, I'm writing here, Probably, "just because..."

Rest In Heavenly peace Butterfly.

I x

dream {less}

I wish somehow, I could dream. I lay in bed, and pray. I close both eyes, try to think of something good. Then I fall asleep. The dreams? they have dissapeared. I don't understand why, I can't remenber of the last time I truely dreamt. I sure dreamt many times, I still do(when I'm awake) but as I sleep, everything inside turns too dark to see light, and then I can't dream properly. It's sad, actualy. I love to dream (and to make people dream). It's so wondurful to see all those types of things that somehow can't happen in our own world, they're just behind our eyes, when we close them. I truely believe they're as close as it, when we believe so in real life. My favourite dream (of what I can remenber) was the day I met Haylee. I truely loved that day. She was snicking with Bubba, hiding theirselfs from their daddo, while he was in the sofa. They're laughs were pure love. when Sonya arrived I got up and Haylee ran at her saying "mumma, mumma, come play" and I looked at her, I heard her voice. It was angelical. I asked, perplexed, to sonya "Is this Haylee?" she said "Humm yeah". I looked at her, and even though it was a dream, it was the sweetest feeling I ever got to experience. I loved it, the way she'd run, the way she'd pull her head out of her eyes. She was just perfect, even more wondurful than what I could see in clips and pictures. When we were coming out, I was holding her in my arms when I told her she had the most beutiful eyes I'd ever seen. Haylee, called mum and asked to be held by her. then she laid her head on sonya's shoulder and said whishpering in her hear "Inês told me I have the most beutiful eyes she'd ever seen". She was sooo proud of herself! It was probably the best moment of my life, even though it was a dream, it's like I actualy met her. When I got to my car, it was strange. I told my mum "but, but... But Haylee died!" and they were in chock, I was too. I had just held the Baby Girl who I cry for, every single die. And I regret. Regret not having stoped and choiced to be stucked in that dream, forever.

I hope someday the dream will come again, I'll be waiting.

I x

time doesn't heal

the wounds.
I say, while I stay, perplexed looking at a photo of her. Beuty-full. She sure takes my breath away, but why summer days filled with laughter had to be resumed to such short life? I guess the question is "why" most of the times. and I ask, and ask, and ask. and I get no answer back. I think maybe the "never forgotten" thing is just to hide the fear of loosing someone again. I will explain. When you loose someone, you feel the fear, the huge fear no one can ever put in words. we cry. we try to breath but something tells us we can't (when actualy, our body can do it normally). we try to think about other things rather than the missing, but something tells us we can't (when actualy, our mind can do it normally). I could go on, and on, and on. Non-stop. So when time goes by, you loose contact with the lost one, and then? what are we suppose to do? why do we remenber and long? because of the missing? I don't think so.
we do it all because we're afraid. Because the enormous loose left our heart broken into millions of little pieces, and because whenever we think of it, our breath is catched away. That's just because, we're afraid of loosing the same person, once again.

so remenber, pray and wish and yern and griefe and loose, all at once. I'll be here for you, too.

I x

Happy Birth Day.

We lay her softly in bed tonight, she's 1. Come tommorow, she'll wake 2. Tommorow is a day about it - only about it. Dreams, joy, hapiness & much hope. We won't hear the words like "medicines", "doctors", "Brain scheual exams", "Hospital" or even "Epilepsy". Mum will do the whole thing. Preparing the party. cooking for the family (a little help from Memaw). Buying the pink ballon with Disney Princesses Happy Birthday song (that you absolutely adore!). Holding you to blow your 2 tiny candles. Helping you claping your hands. It's gonna be a wondurful day. I'm a little bit sad, though. Trough years I've dreamt about getting a new sister or a new cousin, (a Baby Girl, I'd say it had to be). You came & gave only hapiness and true love to my own heart, you made it shine countless times and made me smile - You are more than I deserve. I searched the world for the perfect someone, and I found her sleeping in my amrs, that 2nd March 2008, a beuty - full day of my life. You had just entered the world. Trough time, I've known all about 1 year-old girls. I know how skinny they are, how they love to (try) talk and especially, how they can light up a room by just walking in it. Carolina was all about that & I am sure time won't take it away, but I'll miss the diapers, I'll miss the nunus & I'll miss the tiny Baby. She's a child now, a Big Girl, she'd say.
How Am I suppose to wake tommroow when 2 years have passed me by in a blink of an eye? This 2 years have been (Nearly) the most hard years of my entire life, but mostly, they were a source of hope and faith and strengh. We learnt to never give up, trough her. We will never (never never never) have words to describe how much our Baby touched our lives and how much we adore her. She is our true princess.

My 1 year-old Princess, who will wake 2 today.
Don't leave the simpliciness or the innocence,
I truely adore you - My hero.

Love,
cousin.
I x