It's close.

lets say i havent been posting a lot. well, almost never now. I don't know why, I use to rely on this blog for the good and for the bad times but it seems like friends and the perfect boyfriend have become particullary helpful, even more than love words writen on a little internet place that no one visits. I don't care, seriously. I just like the though of writing here, in my own little world, hoping the one person I so miss dearly can see it from above.
It's the fifteenth of january, 2011. A new year has begun once again and it began happily. I spent lovely time with friends and family and I even wished upon a few stars, that this year would bring nothing but health, love and joy.

I knew january was coming and with it, the sadness and the heart grieving. It's not that I haven't get a little better but it still hurts. I have tried to 'let go' as they say but it still feels wrong not having her here. It still feels wrong stepping into our high school and thinking how much she'd love to be there too. It still feels wrong to be happy about silly things like we use to, even though she's not here to laugh as well. I have understood that sometimes, while I'm laughing with my girlfriends, I stop and put my hand on my mouth just as if I had done a sin. It sometimes feels wrong to be laughing and then thinking that I can't be laughing, that I use to laugh with her and I don't anymore. The sadness is always there, sometimes it takes away the fun of a girl's night out.

I shouldn't say this but I can only write what's on my heart and right now, it feels wrong to even 'breath' without her here. I remember that sunny january moorning at my old collegue, I remember everything. I remember coming down to pick up my brother at our old primary school only to find out my world crashing down from the high. I remember that 5 years ago today I would be thinking about her recovery and praying she'd come home soon. I remember knowing the truth and only truth and being frustrated for endless weeks. I remember thinking 'why' and why did God take her away? I remember being sure that she was better than me, more genorous, more humble, more human. And I guess that answered my question 'cause God only takes the very best. He broke my heart to proove it.

If I could say anything to her today it would be thank you for changing me. Thank-you for always being there, even when you're no more. I've come to believe that you can be alive and mean nothing to other people if you don't achieve the values that God wants you to while sometimes people who are gone forever might help us to understand that they have done what God wanted them to, they have brought the purest love and it will outpour from Heaven and shine us all for years to come.

I miss you Marta, I really do.